A telling dream arrived last night. In it I was visiting a club that I used to play at regularly… seems so long ago. I sat down at a table and spoke to a few people that I knew there. The band came in and began to set up – just like I used to do, over and over again. Someone said, “They’re great entertainers… a really fun and upbeat group! You should stay.”
I felt a twinge of pain. Even though I do appreciate great entertainment, I was never an ‘entertainer’ with my own music. In fact that was the last thing I wanted to do with my musical prose. I didn’t want to enable people into numbing themselves with drink and dance, I wanted to penetrate hearts, make people spin out of control and out of their minds – only to land back into into a larger and truer version of themselves. Pretty big intention, I know. And it did happen often enough to keep me going for awhile. Nobody could categorize me, but it wasn’t for their lack of trying. People would ask me why I wasn’t famous. I told them that I just wasn’t in style with the times.
I have been backing out of the context and expectations of others for a lot of years now. As a result I have become a wanderer of sorts – dropping out of the societal demands that I have a ‘real’ job, health insurance, a 401K, a house, a car, and then redefining myself as a spiritually inspired singer-songwriter. It wasn’t enough that I was able to actually support myself with singing, but in my determination to stay true, in integrity with my art, I backed out of context once again. Healing and transformation is my passion, whether I do that through a conversation, a prayer, a touch, or a song; it matters not to me. I have awakened into Love, and I’ve now reached a place where I cannot compromise any longer. I cannot allow myself to disguise this Love in ways that do not serve me or those around me.
I have met others now who have been touched by Love as well, who know their greater identity and struggle with this very same thing. Is it safe to be in the world and be who I really am? How can I be “in the world but not of it”? It takes courage, that’s for sure. When we are bold enough to truly be who we are it sometimes disturbs people and the status quo. For others it lifts and inspires them to be who they truly are. We have to be willing to stay centered in Love no matter what the reaction.
The dream went on. I left the club with music blaring and climbed into my car. In the dream my car was also my home. I guess you could say I was ‘homeless’, and I felt homeless too. There was no place in the dream in which I could ‘fit’ so there I lay in the front seat of my car with my head against the window, wondering what was next.
In jumps a giant black jaguar through the passenger window and lands on top of me with all four paws. Now this is an interesting twist, wouldn’t you say? I did not react with fear. In fact my neck was positioned in such a way that it lay open and bare just inches from the jag’s mouth. I could feel and smell his hot breath on my face. He did open his mouth, but it wasn’t to eat me. Rather, it was to speak.
I don’t remember the exact words. I heard him mostly through my feelings anyway. His presence and the message that came through seemed to inform every cell of my body, and then I just ‘knew’ that all of my life was in preparation to be right here, right now. Every second of it had been perfect in my unfolding and had led me to the present moment – literally. And in this present moment I felt my own wildness and instinct, knowing that this black beast and I were one being – fully natural, fully alive, fully in Love. He left me with this:
“When you outgrow the theme,
Leave it behind for those in need.
From this moment forward you are alive!
Live and create from here
And you will see,
How life is meant to be.
From here you are fed.
From here you feed.
Know that this is Home